News on Iran

Iranian Revolutionary Guard Fed Up With Water Patrols

The Revolutionary Guard that patrol the waters of Iran are suffering from severe sleep disorders, homesickness and anxiety due to the constant influx of foreign ships into their territory.

One told our reporter: “I haven’t seen my family in six months due to the stream of ocean liners, ferries and military vessels straying into our territory. Some of us haven’t slept in months.”

But it’s getting worse for the patrolmen. Last month 400 canoeists went astray as one of the guards explains: “I’d finally managed to get off one night having had two weeks of restlessness when I heard paddles in the water outside one of our boats. They were making the now all too familiar sound of paddles frantically trying to turn canoes around before crossing the special line we have written on the water.”

We all looked at each other and said: “Great, another night’s slumber wrecked” and proceeded outside to the all too familiar sight of canoes spinning around and grown men flapping around in the sea having attempted to jump free of their canoes.”

“What’s more,” he added, “we rescued them from the sea, took them back for some routine questioning, dressed them up in little suits, fed them, gave them tabs and as soon as they got back to Britain they said we were a bunch of cunts!”

But the problem continues when the guards eventually get home as one told us: “Whenever I’m in my house asleep I have terrible nightmares whenever someone flushes the toilet or makes ship or watery type noises. I immediately wake up and look outside my house expecting to see ten huge fucking cruise liners trying to get into my front door.”

It’s also playing havoc with the guards’ sex-life when they eventually get home as well. As one pointed out: “Whenever I’m on the job, with my wife, I have to stop and check there isn’t a yacht with one of those pointy fronts about to go steaming up my arse.”

Guard spokesman Fred Johnstone said: “It’s now become an all too familiar sight, watching flotillas of ships crossing into our waters with not so much as a bye or leave. Only the other day six Dover to Calais ferries managed to take a wrong turning at the Bay of Biscay or something and were found wandering into Iranian sea space.”

Deputy Iranian guard spokesman Harold Mainwaring said: “It was your worst nightmare. All the passengers got off their fat arses expecting a cheap day out in France, to find themselves being taken to Tehran for routine questioning. The worst thing was we gave them food, suits and tabs, sent them home, and then they said we were a bunch of cunts.”

One Iranian Revolutionary guard, John Franks from Tehran, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “I didn’t sign up for this.” We asked the Royal Yachting Association and the ferry companies for their comments but they declined to go on record. We did however get a source from the Royal Navy to go on record. Admiral Baxter, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: “To be perfectly frank, we haven’t a fucking clue where we are most of the time. Sometimes the sea looks exactly like the sky so you feel sick. Then somebody shouts starboard off the bow or something and the ship starts moving so you feel sick again. It’s a fucking nightmare. Then someone shouts ‘Land ahoy!’ and next thing you know you are in Tehran and being dressed in a new suit and smoking tabs. I really didn’t sign up for this.”